Superheroes can be a pain in the ass, right? I mean, we hear all about them saving the world and all that jazz, but what about the mess they leave behind? Remember that climactic fight at the end of The Avengers? Who cleaned up after that? And surely some innocent people died along the way. Did the spandex-strutting Avengers care? No… they just went and had shawarma.
So we are recommending a respite for all of the superhero hoopla in the form of ALL SUPERHEROES MUST DIE. Here’s a synopsis for you:
Four masked avengers find themselves stripped of their powers by a cruel arch-nemesis they defeated years earlier … or so they thought. When the sinister mastermind puts the heroes through a series of brutal challenges that are virtually impossible to overcome, they must battle the clock – and even each other – in a race to stop a deadly countdown that could mean total destruction. Starring James Remar (Dexter), Lucas Till (X-Men: First Class) and Jason Trost (The FP). “ALL SUPERHEROES MUST DIE doesn’t deconstruct superhero conventions, it tears them to shreds” (Renn Brown, CHUD.com)
So, you see those famed superpowers are all well and good until they’re gone. Plus, some of these powers aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Check out our list below of famous superpowers, and the downsides they bring with them.
- FLIGHT: Usually at the top of everyone’s list, right? The ability to fly through the air without a care, like a bird, a plane, like Superman, etc. But have you considered the logistics? Would you have to register with the FAA? What happens at high altitudes where it’s freezing? What if you botch a landing? There’s a lot to consider here.
- INVISIBILITY: Probably the second most popular answer is the ability to turn invisible. But according to all of the movies we’ve seen, this just turns you invisible. Your clothes are still very visible, meaning you have to strip starkers in order to avoid detection. Talk about catching a chill. You’d have to confine your activities to tropical climates, and you would have to be pretty aware of everyplace that you decided to sit down. Yikes.
- MENTAL POWER: Okay, being able to read minds is very cool. Until you realize that you can read EVERYONE’S mind. And you might not like what you hear. If you’ve ever seen Sookie Stackhouse trying to deal with this, then you know what a headache (literally) it can be. And does this extend to animals as well? Because I already know my dog is thinking “Food, food, food, food, food” without needing to hear it 24/7.
- SUPER STRENGTH: Not a bad thing to have, but can you shut it off? I envision countless broken doors, shattered glasses, dented walls, and crunched cars. If you’ve ever flicked, kicked, punched, or shoved something in anger, it’ll be 100 times worse with the combined strength of 100 men behind you. And forget about things that require precision control, like changing a watch battery or flossing your teeth.
- SHOOTING BOLTS FROM A BODY PART: Starman and Cyclops know what I’m talking about here. The ability to manifest energy and shoot it from a body part is probably pretty cool, depending on the body part, but at some point it has to become a complete annoyance. Like when you need to sleep, or if you’re playing a game of Twister and, “Right foot, blue!” SSSSSSIZZZZZLECRACK! Whoops. That’s a real pain in the buns.
- GROWING/SHRINKING: This would be a nifty power at times, but like invisibility, it greatly inhibits your wardrobe. Without a Reed Richard around to create costumes out of unstable molecules, you’d have to have a ton of spandex on hand, or tiny, doll-sized clothing secreted around your body in case you need to go miniscule. How Hulk keeps those pants on all the time, we’ll never know.
- MAGIC: This never seems to work out well. Sure, it comes in handy, and can provide some spectacular results: just ask Zatanna or Dr. Strange. But there’s a completely unpredictable side of magic that always catches people off-guard, resulting in some botched hero work. This sort of stuff is best left to David Copperfield, Penn & Teller, and the guys at your local magic ship.
- TELEPORTING: Admittedly, it’s tough to think of a downside here, unless it comes with a built-in fallacy, like with Nightcrawler who couldn’t teleport somewhere that he couldn’t see. Which sort of makes sense, because you don’t want to jump inside a room full of fire, or into the middle of a brick wall. But that’s the gamble you take every time you teleport. Well this bamf be your last? Only time will tell.
- TECHNO-WIZARDRY: This goes out to all of those heroes who rely on gagedtry to get the job done. People like Iron Man, Batman, and Spider-Man know what we mean. First of all, you need to have an incredibly sizeable stack of cash, check Bruce Wayne and check Tony Stark… how does Peter Parker do it? And you need to be a genius as well. It’s not like you get send web-shooters out for repair, or drop off the Mark VII at a mechanic’s shop
We’ve just scratched the surface here, but we hope that we’ve opened your eyes a bit when it comes to the glamorous world of superpowers. While it seems like the world might be your oyster, even if you choose the bad side or the good side, there’s always a negative to those special abilities. What do you think? Let us know in the comments below what super power you’d want to have, and why, and we’ll pick three winners to receive a copy of ALL SUPERHEROES MUST DIE on Blu-ray. Make sure you comment through Facebook, or somehow that allows us to get in touch with you. Good luck!